harsh words

"We cannot beg someone to stay if they want to leave and be with someone else. We have to admit that love doesn't give us the license to own a person. This is what love means...sacrifice" - unknown.

definations for emotions.

AFFECTION

1. A tender feeling toward another; fondness.
2. A positive feeling of liking.

APART

1. Away from another or others.
2. Set apart; isolated.
3. Remote and separate physically or socially.

DEJECTED

1. To lower the spirits of; dishearten.

LONELY

1. Without companions; lone.
2. Characterized by aloneness; solitary.
3. Dejected by the awareness of being alone.

LONGING

1. To have an earnest, heartfelt desire, especially for something beyond reach.

LOVE

1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
2. To have a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward (a person).
3. To have a feeling of intense desire and attraction toward (a person).
4. To like or desire enthusiastically.
5. To experience deep affection or intense desire for another.

MISS

1. To fail to hit, reach, catch, meet, or otherwise make contact with.
2. To fail to accomplish, achieve, or attain (a goal).
3. To discover the absence or loss of.
4. To feel the lack or loss of.

MOODY

1. Subject to periods of depression; sulky.
2. Expressive of a mood, especially a sullen or gloomy mood.

FUCKED UP

1. Completely messed up or mishandled; botched.
2. Badly damaged or injured.
3. snarled or stalled in complete confusion

here without you, again.

i'm listening to this song again for the umptenth time. i don't mind. i'm not bored. i'm enjoying it. suits my mood now.

maybe

i've missed her for the past few days,
maybe she just didn't know.

i've been waiting for her phonecall,
maybe she's busy.

i've tried to get through to her,
maybe she's too worked up with her stuff.

i've been thinking about her,
maybe she didn't realize it.

i'm longing to talk to her,
maybe she has stuff to catch up with.

i'm desperate to meet her,
maybe she wants to meet someone else.

i love her.
but maybe...

the world of what if's

we live in a world made up of what if's. (at least i live in that world, if not you guys :p) we'll think too much once that 'what if' question pops up. it's always the same. people will start to think about better choices, the road taken, the road not taken and things like that. sometimes we just can't stop ourselves for having such thoughts.

there was this one person who talked to me last night and there were a lot of what if's, i wish's and i hope's. it's normal to be afraid to decide on something. sometimes we'll regret making that decision, and sometimes we'll regret on not making the right decision. after last night, i realized how much worries i'm giving myself. i am slowly learning, to do things i want. to smile to people i want. to make trips i want. to be who i want. i'll slowly cut down the what if's. if i want to do something, i'll do it. if i want to eat something, i'll eat. if i want to go somewhere, i'll go. no more what if's for me :) i feel life would be more meaningful like that. yes, risks are much higher, but then again, we live in a world of risks and uncertainty. everything is predictable except the human world. so why worry? the moment we wake up in the morning, the greatest risk have been taken; to live the day. even if we do not wake up and lie on the bed the whole day, we are taking a risk too; to lose something important :)

things are not as serious as it sounds. it was just an overnight thought :p

at least...

it was a nice trip. 8th to 10th july was trip i'll always remember...

it seems as if things are going so fast. suddenly i'm already in the 5th week of the new semester. yea.. things are going on pretty fast. very fast indeed. i need to slow down. but with the pace things are going on, i doubt i'll have a chance. not until the midterm break.

it's amazing how people can influence my own life. the most important people who influenced me is of course my family. somehow or other, they play a part in shaping my character today, if not less. then come friends. of course the people i hung out with during primary and secondary school are the closest people to me. influence me? they did. if not so, i won't be who i am today. an "anti-social" (the wrongly used term) anyway, they did influence me. for good or bad, i don't know. and i don't mind neither. it's already history. then there is this few people who really influenced me emotionally. i think i'm no longer important to them. i think i'm just a hi bye friend to them. but those few people really did shape my emotions.

so what about myself? does anyone even care about the character i have? or everyone is just looking for a friend for themselves? i mean it literally. finding a friend for themselves is finding a friend, altering him, so that the friend can be who he wants him to be. most of the time people are like that. they'll try to change things they don't like to suit them. that's not a bad thing to do. but it's really degrading the person being "changed or altered" it's like a master and a slave. not friends. you see, people have their own personalities. friendship is a two way chemistry. we cant force someone to change just to suit ourselves. acceptance. that's one thing people don't have. everyone have their own weaknesses and strength. that makes everyone unique. so if you influence your circle of friends to change their personality, does that mean that everyone is the same? no uniqueness? equal? that won't happen. acceptance.

i'm not saying that everyone is altering others. just that things i've seen told me so. i hope i'm wrong. but i know there's someone who will appreciate me, at least :)

aburame shino?

Which Naruto Character Are You?
Test by naruto - kun.com

hold on.

being true to oneself is easier said than done. how can you be what you want or who you want to be when everyone around you do not accept people who have a rather different personality compared to the society? it is not easy to be who we are nowadays, because people look down, stereotype, and discriminate others which they think have a rather different identity than those normally have. cruel world.

just because some of us do not share the same interest with the 'normal' people doesn't mean we are any way different from everyone. take leasure for example. some find relaxing just by hanging out in the house, listening to kenny g, humming by the tune. but some of course, would relax in pubs or clubs. so what will happen if both of these people are somewhat friends? someone would have to give, another, take. and what if one of them refuse to join the other once too often? deemed anti-social? the dominant ones in the click will of course, be the most socialable people, and the minority who share different interests, the anti-socials. the way people define 'anti-social' nowadays irritates me alot. anti-socials are those withdrawn to themselves, and it's a serious mental disorder, not those people who like to do stuff they enjoy.

to the minorities, hold on. believe. if we have to fight alone, then fight alone. but there are times where we need to interact. kenny g at home? of course, ask a friend or two over. those who share the same interests are better companions. we live in reality. somehow or other people are related to each other. we'll have to interact with everyone we come by. being alone all the time won't help much. but at times it will give us peace. instead of feeling uncomfortable with the situation, instead of feeling awkward in places you don't like, being who you are will definitely be a better idea. when you are alone, think of much worse situation you'll be in. the awkwardness... the 'speechlessness'... the uneasiness...

to those who label others anti-socials, please stop. yes, you have a greater social status than the others, but that doesn't mean you have the right to label wrong words on the wrong people. they may need your company at times, but not always. so hang out with people with your same interest, do not pretend.

the point is, being who you are and doing what you want matters most. we live our life. yes. but we don't live our life for the majorities. we don't live our life for the minorities. we don't live brushing people aside, and we don't live trying to influence people. be who you want. do what you want. i know the society is still too conservative to accept people who have different personalities, different interests, but we don't live our life for the society. we are part of the society.

the rush, again.

suddenly i noticed that the 'blog rush' is back. everyone is starting to blog, or continuing their blog after a long absence. all thanks to friendster. people whom i never imagine will blog is blogging. well i didn't imagine myself blogging at first either. i was in that blog rush before, when blogging seem to be a place where people can do anything, and i coincidently i was longing for my own space. anyway, cheers to all bloggers. someone once told me, it's easy to start blogging nowadays, but it takes effort to maintain it. been through it, agreed.

a serious thought. it's hard to keep one's head when people around him don't have the same thinking. i have been through this too many a time, but i'm still going through this, again. well everyone seem to be more a spender nowadays, and it's so hard for me to be myself, to keep to my believes. imagine going to the same movie twice a week! and if anyone out there don't know what it's like to be in kl, food costs at least $10 per meal, transportation there at least $5 per trip, and the ticket around $5 for students. $20 all in all, but that doesn't cover other unplanned spending. set aside $20 for some other stuff. and that makes going out once $40. so twice a week, calculate yourself. i know some people who save their asses out to buy stuff they want, to do things they wanna do, and to go places they want. so call me stingy, but i'm saving for penang. but at the same time, it's so freaking hard to see them spend as easy as that while i, i have to muster all my will to save. just to complain about myself, i'm not accusing them of not saving :p

on a lighter note, there are loads of birthday celebrations this month. so happy birthday to all of you guys out there. especially those from taiping, but can't make it home for the celebration. happy birthday.

better...

things are getting on okay, and i'm glad. it's not that the world is gonna end anyway :) life has never been so simple, easy going, and happy at the same time for me. but now it is! a situation that i'm proud to be in :)

things are fine, and i hope it'll continue be fine if not better. life is never fair. it is always cruel. but i hope this time around, life will be a lil bit kind to me :p

i've finally understood what went wrong, and i'm all geared up to make ammendments. i just hope i don't screw things up.

and i dream about you all the time.